In the end, the lying and deceit is a tangled pattern that infests all communication. All the imagined stories about what was “going to happen in the future”, all the false promises, all the fake alibis, all the fabricated stories about lost friendships from the past are all lies. The tangled manipulations, blame-shifting, and facades of the abusive narcissist to impress others are all lies built on a crumbling foundation of a person with zero character or integrity.
This is when we must base all future decisions, actions, and moves during a divorce or any future must-have communication with the toxic narcissistic abuser (think child custody agreements, financial agreements) on this fact. Nothing magical is going to happen that is going to change this fact. You must remind yourself of this time and again.
You cannot trust someone who has lied, deceived, and abused you over and over again throughout the course of your marriage or relationship.
This is where we begin to face what is true. This is where we begin to learn to trust ourselves and our decisions again. This is where the line is drawn in the sand.
Example: During arbitration with lawyers and a judge, the soon to be ex-spouse states “I am moving anyway to _______”. This subtle comment influences decisions regarding the sale of the house. The victim believes the statement and does not put in tighter restrictions in the agreement. The abuser is living in the house. The victim, of course, has fled the house and is forced to rent an apartment and pay half the mortgage etc. The abuser has no intention of moving. It is a tactic to disarm and distract the victim. Who suffers in the end? You already know the answer to that question.
The lies of a narcissistic abuser quickly flow without pause, without a stutter and without remorse. The responses seem so genuine and innocent. They resemble the truth. In the beginning, you never suspect; until you become aware and awake of the clues that are all around you.
Our intuition and our protective instincts are picking up signals, clues, and red flags. Many times, we minimize, dismiss, excuse and push down these clues because they are difficult to face.
Eventually reality and truth surface if we are moving towards clarity. All the data points to one hard fact. It has all been a bunch of lies. These lies have been so cleverly crafted they ring true and are plausible. We believed them because they sounded like the truth.
When we are enveloped in denial it keeps us in a fog. It clouds our perceptions of what is happening. We have difficulty unearthing the facts. It prevents us from facing the truth, keeps us in a cycle of betrayal of ourselves, and prevents us from seeing life as it actually is.
This type of blurry vision, in the end, results in insidious micro tears in our identity. It prevents us from knowing who we really are.
When we deny what is right in front of us we lie and deceive our precious selves and put the core of who we are on the chopping block.
Moving out of stuck after long-term abuse by a narcissistic abuser requires us to realign our compass so we can reset and regain a clearer vision, a broader perspective, and make decisions based on facts and compassion for ourselves.
We can move out of distortion, fear, and fantasy. We can choose ourselves and a new path.